Well. Hello there, beautiful.

[I recently lamented that I wouldn’t see a transcript of Joe Wilson’s attempted mea culpa to President Obama after calling him a liar as the president addressed a joint session of congress. As luck would have it, a friend who works the late shift on the White House switchboard just sent me this.]

“Yeah. It’s Rahm.”

“Oh, I’m, I’m so sorry, I think the switchboard connected me to the wrong office. I’m trying to reach the president? I’m sorry.”

“Nope, you got switched through just fine. The president isn’t available just now, what can I do for you, Joe.”

“I’m sorry? How did … how did you know … Listen, Rahm, I’m sure you’re busy, I can just… I’m sorry. I can call back later.”

“Joey, listen, buddy, you’re calling for a reason, I’m here, let’s talk. What’s on your mind?”

“Rahm, I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother you, I was just calling to talk to, you know, the president. I wanted to, just, formally. Well, you know, talk about what happened … you know. Earlier tonight. And, nothing personal or anything, Rahm, I’m really just looking to talk to the president, personally, about this. I don’t want to involve his staff, I know you guys are busy and all. Is the president, ah, available?”

“You know, Joe, President Obama prefers to unwind with his girls after a night like tonight. He doesn’t like getting too stressed, and his girls, they help the man relax. To see what’s really important. But, like I said, I’m here. You can talk to me about anything you have to talk with president about.”

“Rahm, see, the thing is, I really just wanted to let the president … President Obama … know that … it’s, just, honestly, Rahm, I’m trying to do right and I think, maybe, they handed me off to you so you could let me, uh, have it … and really, I’m trying to do the right thing. Emotions, you know? They can get the best you, sometimes.”

“Joey, are you kidding me? Are you talking to me about emotions? Seriously, pal, I know just what you’re talking about. In the heat of the moment, surrounded by colleagues, under the glare of the cameras, yeah, sometimes, emotions get the better of you. I know all about that! You ever hear about the time I sent the dead fish … it’s not important. What’s important is this call. So, tell me, Joey, what’s up?”

“Oh, man, thanks, Rahm. I really appreciate it. Honestly. I just heard all these stories about you – ‘Rahmbo’ and all that – and, we’ve never really met, except for that time. Maybe you remember? In the men’s room at the inauguration? I handed you a towel, you gave me a tip? I knew that red cummerbund was a bad idea. Anyway, I just want to personally apologize, to the president, of course, for my emotional outburst. I let my emotions, you know, get the better of me, while the president was talking about the illegals getting free healthcare. And I still, you know, respectfully, of course, disagree, but I regret my inappropriate comments. I sincerely apologize to the president for my uncivil tone. My lack of civility. And my tone.”

“Joey, I can’t tell you what a relief that is for us here at the White House. I thought Gibbs was seriously going to lose it. I know I’ve got the reputation for a short fuse but that guy? I thought we were going to have to alert congressional security tomorrow.

I will personally relay your message to the president as soon as I can. Not tonight, of course, he’s with his girls, but it will be at the top of my list tomorrow morning. As if you’d delivered it yourself, in person.”

“Wow, Rahm, seriously? That’s great, I can’t tell you what a relief that is to hear. I’m just thrilled as all get out. And please tell the president I’m available for a follow up call if he’d like to discuss further matters, related to this, or any others. Heck, Rahm, I’ve even got a few ideas of my own I’d love to run by you guys some time.”

“Sure thing, Joe. Oh, and Joey. One last thing.”

“Yeah, sure, Rahm. What is it? Anything you need, bud.”

“If you ever – and I mean ever – pull some of that winger townhall shit again, I will fucking fuck you my fucking self. And I’m not talking the sweet, boring ass missionary shit you’re used to down in po-whereverthefuck-dunk your hillbilly, hick ass is from, I’m talking straight up prison raped by a fucking gang of twenty-to-lifers. My member of congress complete with presidential seal will be the last fucking thing you remember before being permanently incapacitated and made even more meaningless than you already are, you lying sack of dogshit.”

[POTUS, background]

“Hey, Rahmbo, who’s on the phone?”

[Muffled]

“Just business, boss. Speech recap in two?”

“Anyhow, thanks for calling, the president looks forward to working with you.”

Here he is, folks, Joe Wilson, the elected representative who decided it would be apropos to heckle the President of the United States while addressing a joint session of congress. Perhaps he was miffed that President Obama called out winger heartthrob Sarah Palin as a liar. Or maybe the distinguished gentleman (note: Joe Wilson is apparently neither distinguished nor a gentleman) had been to one too many town hall meetings where this sort of childish whining is seen as “mainstream”.

Sadly, I doubt Representative Wilson will face many repercussions, not from the people of South Carolina, who are likely to see their representative as putting that uppity president in his place, nor from the party who shrugged off Dick Cheney telling Patrick Leahy to “fuck himself” in that very building. I suspect the triumvirate of Beck, Limbaugh and Hannity, not to mention countless frothy wingnut bloggers, will be racing to see who can laud this “heroic American” for “speaking truth to power” first. Perhaps Senator Chambliss will call to congratulate Wilson for humbling the president. [via bcompton]

UPDATE Well, how about that, Representative Wilson called the president personally to apologize for his emotional outburst. Unfortunately, Obama wasn’t available to take the call, which was instead fielded by – and I’m truly sorry there’s no transcript available from this – Rahm Emmanuel.

You stay sensational there, Fox News

If you listen closely, you can almost hear Senator Chambliss call the president “boy”.

Of course, complaining about the obvious racial undertones of such a remark is exactly the sort of thing a coward like Chambliss expects from his liberally-minded critics. His defenders will hew and cry about not being able to criticize the president without being accused of racism, with a knowing wink and a nod.

In fact, the president doesn’t owe “your side” – the extreme right wing of this country, the birthers and the tea baggers and nuts who show up at town halls with assault rifles – a moment of humility or contrition. What he owes you is a reasoned debate, something “your side” would be loathe to even recognize.

Neven goes induction:

You may have heard about induction cooktops, increasingly used in fine restaurants the world over. What you may not realize is that they’re also an excellent option for your home kitchen; induction is the ideal cooking method for almost all cooktop uses, and right now, you can upgrade your kitchen to it more affordably than ever.

As an aside, I’m taking at least partial credit for Neven’s delving into electromagnetic cooking. I’ve personally sold at least three induction ranges (GE, where’s my kickback?) despite the fact that I cook on a crappy electric range in the crappy galley kitchen in my not-exactly-crappy-but-nothing-to-write-home-about-either one bedroom apartment.

Aviary is like Birdhouse but for Android

Built by Twitter luminary Ryan “@secretsquirrel” Bateman

He said it would bring the team together

—

Robert Coffey, a sophomore at Kentucky’s Breckenridge County High School, on the football coach taking a busload of players to his church to be baptized. Of course, this violates the spirit, if not the letter, of the separation of church and state, not to mention common sense.

But, hey, wingnuts keep your kids out of class today, the president’s indoctrinating your children with liberalism, talking about such lefty socialist values as working hard. [via William Gibson]

It is not easy to categorize the Beatles’ music; more than any other group, their sound can be described as “Beatlesque.” It’s akin to a combination of Badfinger, Oasis, Corner Shop, and everyother rock band that’s ever existed.

—Sometimes, I really hate Chuck Klosterman’s writing. His attempt to review the Beatles remaster does absolutely nothing to fix that.

I, too, fear our coming oligarhy overlords.

Sadly, the mouthbreathers who lap this up are the same ones keeping their kids out of school today.