When I wake up in the mornings, I check my expertly-curated Twitter list of thought influencers and buzz-masters, I get ideas for how to change the world with social media, and I sell those ideas to companies and brands for thousands and thousands of dollars. Then I use that money to buy super cool-looking glasses, designer blazers, and shirts with lots of extra straps on them, all of which I wear to the coolest media events and tech launches, where I get laid by ‘hot nerd’ college chicks looking for internships. You know, just stuff a “Tech Media Douche” does.

—Alex Blagg’s Bajillion Hits might just be the best new-media satire going.